Clara 6: The Encounter

The sun was out, speckles of clouds and occasional breeze blew around in the sky, making it seem as if the ceiling of earth was dancing joyously. The trees were invited by the breeze to join and sparrows flew from tree to tree accompanying this dance with beautiful songs.

  Jacob sat on the park bench listening to the beauty of Gods creation, humming a few tunes along with the birds. His expression was one of serenity and patience as he awaited his longed-for meeting with Clara. To see her face and hear her voice made Jacob more calm and peaceful as ever. He felt content just knowing he would see Clara let alone speak with her. 

 As bikers and joggers passed by, so did the time. Jacob checked his watch noticing it had passed half an hour and he began to lose his peace. Leaving his bench, which kept him sane, he began to pace. Back and forth, back and forth. He checked his watch--35 minutes. 

   "Jacob!", he heard and he turned toward the direction of the voice. There she was; skin aglow, hair in natural brunette beauty, face in radiance. She was wearing a sundress that fit her form but an expression that didn't fit his joy.

  Seeing this Jacob realized her reason for meeting him here. Her body language said it all. "Oh, but she does look gorgeous.", Jacob thought aloud. By the time he said this he was already face to face with Clara, so she heard him but ignored it. 

  "Hi Jacob.", she said, eyes avoiding his. 

"Clara.", he replied. "I'm glad to see you're better. You look great.", he smiled that dimpled smile.

Once again pushing aside his compliment, Clara said, "We need to talk." Jacob only nodded and Clara continued, "Let's sit. Okay where do I begin?", her nervousness was apparent in the shaking of her hands, but Jacob only listened.

  "Jacob I wanted to tell you that I have forgiven you. I have pushed aside the past and I'm focusing on the now." Clara paused to see his reaction, but he was still listening. " I'm finding myself; something I haven't been able to do for five years because I still held on to the pain and words you inflicted on me. I can't, I won't let someone like you hold me back ever again. And honestly the person holding me back the most was me. That accident was God-willed, you rescuing me was God-willed. God had this happen so that I could finally surrender to him and leave my burdens at his doorstep. I wanted to thank you."

Jacob's handsome face that earlier filled with content morphed into one of sadness. "I guess you're welcome.", was all he said and his eyes were downcast and the dimples disappeared. 

Clara held his hand, lifted his head and said, "I'm sorry if this wasn't what you were expecting, but I needed to do this for  me." 

"And what about me?", Jacob asked. Clara was taken aback.

"You wanna know what happened when I got to rehab?", Jacobs voice now sullen. "I get there, go through the program, and relapse. Then I drank and drank and drank. A cop found me scarred and naked in the street in the middle of the night. So my sentence? Rehab. I go through the program for the second time and I relapse. Third, fourth, fifth. And then I realize by my fifth time trying to get sober and normal again, that I was only drinking because I was away from you. I was drinking because I had no where to go. My family disowned me, you kicked me out. I'm 25 years old and my own mother is afraid to see me. So I prayed, I asked for God's mercy and one more chance at life, I sobered up--a year and a half now, and I came back to start over. I can't do this alone. I need you, Clara."
Clara pondered this. "So you blame me?" Her eyes grew big and her eyebrows furrowed.
"No, I don't."
"But that's what you said. You said that I'm the reason you were drinking. You know, you never take responsibility for your actions! You're always the victim! You hit me, you left your family, and you drank! Don't you dare blame me for your mistakes!"
Clara jumped up from the bench and stalked away from Jacob, leaving him where he began. His merry mood that overtook him before was long gone in some abyss far far away. Her words were true and they stung, but Jacob simply shrugged the thought away and replaced it with his former thought--"The fault was not mine. She should be apologizing." He walked out of the park and came upon a liquor store.
"I don't need this." Jacob said as he set the 6-pack on the counter.

Clara 5: Giving In

  The next week was filled with much love and much thanks to God. Family of Clara's visited each day, giving her gifts and kisses. Even friends that Clara hadn't seen since what happened five years ago, came and hugged and talked to her. Just like her hospital room had been, Clara's apartment was now decorated with balloons, cards, flowers, etc.
  There was one day when her favorite cousins, Paul and Arie came to visit. They greeted her warmly, gave her their cards and flowers, and reminisced on their childhood days with Clara. Most of the conversation consisted of, "Don't you remember when...", "Oh my gosh, and we got in sooo much trouble...", "Paul that was your fault we got caught!", "Haha! Clara that was you who...", and so on. It seemed like hours they went on about their past, until it abruptly halted with the question, "So how's Jacob?"
  Clara didn't know who the question came from, and she didn't care. "I don't really want to talk about that.", she replied calmly. Arie, the one who asked the question, was put off by this. Her face's excitement immediately retreated and a new calm one appeared. Arie then asked Paul to go get a movie from the Red Box for all of them to watch. At first Paul was hesitant, but then he caught on. "I'll be back.", he said unwillingly.
  As the door shut behind him, Arie took Clara's hand and looked into her eyes. Her expression went from calm to concerned. "Girl, it was five years ago. You gotta give that man a break! He came to the hospital everyday when you were there, heck he's even come by this apartment room everyday.", said Arie.
Clara replied, "Well he shouldn't waste his time, like that. He honestly should have stayed in New York.", she kept her composure. Oddly enough Arie never angered her when she talked to her like this.
"See that, right there,", she was waving her finger and moving her head, "...that is stubborn. Look, I know what happened hurt you, but girl if you're still hurting, then you've been holding on to a lot of pain that's been holding you back."
Clara replied somberly, "But you don't know what he did. You don't know the whole story." Clara's face scrunched up and her sobs were silent then they escalated into a wail. She cried, "You don't know what he did to me! And I sure as hell am not letting that go!"
The gravity of the situation was unexpected by Arie, and she was caught off her guard. "I thought it was just that he left you?"
Clara shook her head, "It wasn't that, I was rejoicing when he left.", she continued crying.
"Then tell me what it was hun."
  Clara loved her cousin, Arie was her favorite, and she usually told Arie everything and vice versa, but Clara, for five years just couldn't  tell her that Jacob was demeaning. She couldn't tell her that Jacob slept around. She couldn't tell her that Jacob sometimes hit her. She couldn't tell her that Jacob was an alcoholic. She couldn't say that Jacob actually left to a rehab program in New York or that she had to take medicine for depression or that she quit going to church or that she continually had nightmares. As much as Clara wanted to tell her, she was too ashamed to do so and she felt like she couldn't trust anyone. So she bottled it up for five years; all the pain and shame, and now she was about to burst. "God! Why God?!", she wailed. Standing up she began to say everything to God, all of her hurts and all of her pains. She then shouted to God, forgetting that Arie was even there, "You did this to me! How could you let that happen, to your child? Should I even call myself that?!", and she pointed to Arie sitting there, "And you come in the form of my cousin, to get me to 'confess', to make me 'surrender'?", she used air quotes and sarcastic tone. She continued blaspheming God, and blaming him and cursing him.
   After her episode she was balling even more severe and she was brought to her knees, her tone was changed to an apologetic one. "God, forgive me for what I have said to you, I just had to say it." She continued crying and all that Arie did was hug her. By the time Arie's sleeve was soaked in tears, she said softly, "Baby, you shouldn't of held all that in for so long. Keeping that sort of thing hidden could ruin you." Clara sobbed and sobbed, and then she heard her mother's lullaby. She didn't know if it was Arie singing or if it was just in her mind, but she began to sing it nevertheless.
 As I went down to the river to pray 
Studying about that good old way 
And who shall wear the starry crown 
Good Lord, show me the way. 

O sisters let's go down, 
Let's go down, come on down, 
O sisters let's go down, 
Down in the river to pray.

  And she continued to sing the other verses of the song. Arie soon joined in and her voice rang throughout the room. They sang with conviction, they sang with heart, and they lifted their song to God with hands raised. As they finished the last chorus, both women were laughing and crying tears of joy. Their smiles were ear to ear and their hearts were warm as ever. After the song, they prayed a powerful prayer that included Clara's true surrender to Him. After the prayer, after the tears dried, they just couldn't wipe the smiles off of their faces, couldn't shake the joy from their being. 

  When Paul returned, it was like how it was when they first encountered just 3 hours before. Grinning, he said, "Well I see I missed something important." The women got up and embraced him. Arie pat him on the back, "Haha, what horrible movie did you pick for us?" Clara laughed a laugh she didn't know existed anymore, as Paul held up "Battleship". Arie soon joined in this infectious laughter and said, "That movie is horrible!"

"Hey, it was either this or 'Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance'."

 In agreement with that statement, Clara put the movie in and they laughed and shared more stories. Clara and her cousins were lost in pleasure and fellowship. As the hours ticked by, they hardly noticed, and the "horrible movie" turned out to be the best time Clara has had in a long time.

Clara 4: Her Shadow (continued)

  The ice began to melt, and small drops traveled down Clara's forehead. Jossie pet Clara's hair gently, then got up and went to Clara's kitchen. "You hungry?", she asked while she was taking out food to make anyway. "Yes please.", Clara said. She watched her mother as she worked, seeing the tired beauty in her deep brown eyes. Her seemingly ageless face withheld a content expression. After Jossie seasoned the chicken breasts she placed them in the frying pan. Instantly the room had the aroma of home. Clara missed being home with her mom and dad.
  She missed leaving for school every morning, and her mother kissing her goodbye. She missed the home cooked meals every night, and her favorite: fried honey-chicken, mashed potatoes, and Hawaiian rolls. She missed when her mother would let her help in the kitchen when she was 10, and she would have Clara clean the chicken or bake the bread. She missed birthdays because her mother would bake her a cake every year, but not just any cake, she would bake a completely different kind each year and each year they were delicious. Clara's favorite was the Chocolate-lava ice cream cake that she had for her 13th birthday. Clara even missed her teenage years, when arguments with Jossie were more frequent than were hugs and kisses. She missed especially the resolutions of each argument, that ended in exchanges of "I love you." and a planned mother-daughter date. She missed it. She missed all of it.
  She continued to watch Jossie and began to smile. Noticing, Jocelyn smiled back. Then she said it, something she hasn't said to her mom since what had happened. "I love you mom." Jossie stopped herself and shed a tear, she left her work to go to Clara. Embracing her she said, "I love you too baby." A weight then lifted from their chests, and the lock within their hearts broke. Both souls were free. Both were leaving entrailments of beauty everywhere. And they stayed in that embrace for what felt like eternity.

Clara 3: Forgiveness

     Daggers of rain fell on the window of Maya's Corolla as she drove through the storm. Thunder spoke louder than the radio and droplets tried their best to mar her vision; still she kept her focus on the road. Slowly she pulled into the hospital parking lot, taking her time to turn off the engine. She sat there in worry. Worry about the health of her sister. Worry about whether or not Clara will ever be okay. It has been a month since the accident. All that was buzzing through her head were these thoughts and more often than not she was led to tears. Soon droplets began traveling down the curves of her face.
    Maya knocked on the door of the hospital room, "Hey there gorgeous.", she forced a smile. In nice words, Clara was not the epitome of "gorgeous". Her brown complexion faded and her body looked frail, eyes tired, lips cracked. Still Maya made effort to keep her composure.
"I see you still manage to continue to lie about my looks the worse they get.", Clara said jokingly. An artificial laugh escaped from Maya. Clara's happy expression then became one of depression. Her strong facade she managed before, was unmasked to show her weakness--her frailty.
Maya swiftly joined her sister from across the room, tears punching their way through her psychological shield. By the time she was at Clara's side, she began to sob. A tear left Clara's eye as she said, "Don't worry about me. Things may seem bad now, but I'm not giving up, and neither should you." Clara softly lifted Maya's chin and gave her a reassuring look. Holding back her droplets, Clara said, "I'll be fine."
Maya knew wholeheartedly that Clara was far from fine. The car accident was one month ago. The doctor said, Clara should've been out two weeks ago. Maya's eyes trailed over to Clara's head; the scar seemed to be worsening and only the drastic appeared imminent. Although Maya knew all this, she dare not again show her loss of hope to her sister, her worry, for she feared the anxiety will be imposed on Clara, worsening her condition. Clara also shared the same mindset with her sister; to appear strong outwardly, to look and sound brave so not to worry Maya.
Doing her best to change subjects, Maya says, "Jake has been calling to check in on you. He's really very concerned." Clara glanced at her Hospital television trying to focus on a basketball game so to look like she hadn't really heard what Maya said. "Clara I know you heard me."
Realizing the failure, Clara responds blandly, "That's nice."
In frustration, Maya rebukes, " Look I know he hurt you but honestly that was forever ago! Can't you see he's making an effort to fix things with you? Nobody's perfect, and your behavior towards him is simply juvenile."
Her pale face quickly was lightened from the blood that rushed there. Nothing could hold her back, "Maya! I don't appreciate you butting into my personal life! You're the freaking juvenile! And what in the hell do you know about what he's trying to do?! You have no idea! Don't treat me like I'm the younger one, go and play with your dolls or something!" Clara knew this was harsh, but even the name "Jake" upsets her, Maya clearly didn't understand.
Ready to retaliate, Maya reevaluated her response, instead she concurred, "Look you're right I don't know what happened every detail, but I do know that he is genuine about what he is doing. I'm sorry I even brought that up."
Still heated, Clara replied, "You should be." Maya stared at her in disbelief and left the room in frustration.
Clara would apologize eventually to her sister but now was not the time. Clara contemplated inside herself the real reason of her hatred towards Jacob. Whatever team was playing on the screen had just scored a point against the opposing team. While Clara absentmindedly watched the remainder of the game, realizing it was Lakers vs Bulls, she pondered her plague.

Clara 4: Her Shadow

  "You are worthless!", a slither-like voice whispered in the depths of Clara's subconscious. She saw shadows of the creature skulking back and forth--taunting her. "Show yourself!", Clara shouted bravely. The scene took place in the same forest as before. Clara, in paranoia, retrieved a long stick and began waiving it around her, thinking she would somehow disengage the beast. Soon the cackle from before continued and immediately she was surrounded by a cult a hags closing in on her. They all chanted, "Worthless! Worthless! Worthless!" Clara began to see a small resemblance of herself in the face of these creatures. Closer and closer, they came. "Clara!", she heard, and the claws of the creatures grabbed her and were shaking her. "Clara! Clara!..."
  "Clara!" Clara was jolted awake by the shaking and shouting of her mother. Putting a pack of ice on Clara's forehead, her mother said, "You were having another nightmare weren't you?" Clara nodded slightly. "Well, it's all right I'm here." Clara realized the excessive amounts of sweat she produced from her dream, soaking her body, leaving her in an uncomfortable stickiness. She watched as her mother caressed her thick-hair, and noticed her mom was humming an old lullaby from when Clara was just an infant. She felt comfort and love, something she's been without for a long time.
  Clara scanned her surroundings realizing that she was back in her apartment on her bed. Her mother had obviously cleaned her messy apartment, for she noticed the clear floor and the washed dishes, but the walls and furniture still reflected pale and boring, bringing Clara to her state of dissatisfaction. She began sobbing. Her mother, Jocelyn, embraced her daughter, whispering soft phrases in her ear that proved intimate and between the two of them--mother and daughter.
  Jocelyn was called by loved ones, Jossie. Clara saw her mother as a beautiful, strong, loving black woman. Jossie's presence would brighten up any room. Everywhere she went she always had joy, not a facade, but a genuine glow about her. Growing up Jossie would not "snatch up" her children as her own mother had when she was young. "Snatched up" simply means getting a beating or spanked. No, Jossie instead taught her children a lesson by the three Ls: Listen, Lecture, and Love. Listen to understand their perspective, lecture them their faults and what can be done to improve that, and show tough love. The tough love was basically her stern character. One knew in the Daniels family the "look". One "look" from mama, and that was enough to know when to stop whatever mischief or disrespect was commencing. Clara loved her mother and she felt the strong-loving spirit begin to descend on her as Jossie was humming their song.
  A peace settled over Clara Daniels, one that she hadn't felt in years. She fell back into the state of her carcass, as her soul fluttered out and about the room, splashing vibrant colors on the walls and furniture. Clara wished that her mother, whose soul is reflected by her body, could see the scene of her soul executing the same. Secretly, Clara Daniels strives to be like her mother; charming, funny, gorgeous, loving. Clara sometimes even thinks her mother isn't really her mother, only an adopter who only takes in blob-like children. Clara resorted to calling herself just that--a blob.

Clara 2:The Crash

     The early morning traffic matched her mood and expression, slow-moving and dull. The fog-filled skies only added to the tastelessness of the day ahead of her. As Clara sat in the midst of honking and cursing, her mind lingered on her nightmare. Everywhere she looked she could see and feel the dominant presence of the hideous antagonist in her dreams. She stared off into space as if her body was only a carcass, only taking up space, and her soul was fleeting away from her curse.
The free soul burst from her chest, leaving trails of luminosity. Her soul exited the car and flew beyond the noisy traffic, almost deafening the profanity and horn. It seemingly leaped away into the unknown, it's luminosity brightening the sky, adding vibrancy and warmth. It flipped and swirled and spun in swiftness, and everywhere it went, it left remnants of beauty. Curse became kindness. Horn shifted to pop radio. The sun shone at its brightest and even the carcass that her soul once inhabited appeared dazzling in this new light. All was perfect, all was well.
CRASH! Clara was violently knocked forward, airbag deployed as her head hit impact of the safety mechanism. Her car's rear was smashed and her car's front as well, and rear and front of the other two cars were crushed in this sandwich. Clara could see her soul reentering her as her mind went black.

     She could hear the faint sound of people speaking in panic. Various phrases such as, "She needs attention immediately!",and "Keep pressure on her head!" and "She's losing blood fast!". She felt the slowing down of her brain as she faded in and out of reality. In consciousness she could only see a bright light, doctors, and only hear frequency in her ear drums. In and out, in and out she went.
She awoke with pain in her head and soreness all over.
"Look! She's finally awake!", a voice of a young woman said excitedly.
"Clara. It's me, Jacob. How are you feeling?" He turned to address the young woman, "Maya go get the nurse."
Clara, still deciphering her predicament, struggled to reply, "J-J-Jac-"
He interrupted, "Yeah it's me. I'm here." He took hold of her hand, she could feel him shaking and see the look of relief on his face.
"Thank God. Thank God.", he continuously whispered to himself.
     The woman returned with the nurse. The nurse asked a variance of questions and performed many different tests and left the room to report to the doctor.
"You had us scared to death.", said Maya.
     Clara was still unsure of what happened, but she knew that her life was inches from ending. She began to remember her dream.
"Are you okay?", Maya asked.
Hesitant at first she answered, "Yeah, just a bit shaken is all."
     She surveyed her quaint hospital room, and noticed flowers and balloons and cards overflowing in the far corner. She was able to see a card that had large print, sitting on the table, that read, "Get well soon!"; there was a cartoon of a sick sap on the front of it.
     Maya continued, "Yeah everyone was so worried. I called mom and dad on their vacation; they're waiting for an update. They say they love you and miss you." She pointed, to Jacob, "You're lucky Jake was there to pull you out of the car and get you to the hospital." Clara remembered it was a car crash that caused her predicament. She looked at Jake in disbelief,"You were there?", she asked him.
"I saw the whole thing on my commute to work.", he replied.
"I though you were living in New York?", Clara asked confused.
"I moved back to LA. I wasn't really adjusting in New York. I was able to get my job back at the car shop, yep, back to fixing cars.", he chuckled with a side of skepticism. "Yeah, I'm planning on transferring back to UCLA."
"Well it's good to have you back.", Clara smiled, "--and thank you for saving my life."
"Anytime." he said as he smiled back.
     Instantly Clara was hit with another harsh reality, Jacob is back. All her long-forgotten emotion suddenly rushed back into her head, allowing the ache from the blow to take over. Was he really back? She thought to herself. A slight anger overcame her. She studied the expressions of his face--happy and relieved. She observed the fullness of his lips, how they curled into a smile, his dimples reappearing as they had before long ago. His broad chin and shoulders, lasting beads of worry sweat making its way down his temple. The lighting of the room accentuated his darkened skin-tone. The handsomeness of his face only angered her and her emotion began to show.
"Is everything alright?", he asked.
Clara looked at him disdainfully, "Just peachy." He hurt her. He betrayed her. And now she owes him. Of course it had to be him to save her life, to somehow make up for marring her before. She knew it, he knew it and he acted like everything between them was now forgotten. Clara did not want to forgive him, in fact her unwillingness began to radiate off of her as her sister and Jacob conversed with each other. Their conversation only seemed like a jumble of words, insignificant to Clara. Her fire began to smolder deep inside her, she impatiently said, "I'm getting a migraine, can't one of you be useful and get the doctor?" She realized the rude tone in her voice but she could care less. Before anyone could respond to her demand, the doctor entered the room, looking as all male doctors do.
     "You're very lucky Clara. It's rare for anyone to survive a head trauma like the one you received." He flipped through pages on his clipboard, taking note of something and continued to ask her, "How are you feeling? Any dizziness? Headaches?"
Jacob interjected, "She mentioned a migraine." Clara found another source a fuel to her fire, his now annoying presence. The doctor looked at her to confirm if it was true. She only gave a slight nod.
"Well it shouldn't be long before you're able to go home; most likely for the duration of this week. In the meantime, I strongly suggest you stray from any strain on the mind, stress, etc and I'll get you pain reliever for that migraine. I'll be here everyday to update you on your progress." The doctor acknowledged everyone in the room, "I'll be here if you need anything."
As he left, Maya got up from her chair and walked over to Clara's bedside. "I have classes at two, I'll be back around dinner time okay?" She kissed her forehead, "Love ya." She embraced Jacob and left.
     It was just Clara and Jacob now. "I can speak for myself, you know. I'm injured not mute.", she said.
Jacob smirked, "Still the same old Clair-Bear."
This infuriated her,"Still the same jerk who broke my heart. How does it feel to know that I could care less that you're back?"
"Really? Because I could have sworn I saw a smile when you saw me and you said, and I quote, "Well it's good to have you back." What a comeback! If I do say so myself."
"You need to leave.", was all she could say without jumping out of her bed to hurt him. Jake's dimpled grin shifted to a frown, making his face seem a tad distorted; this delighted her. As he made way towards the door he stopped in his tracks and said, "I am sorry. I hope you feel better." He continued out the door and eventually out of the hospital, leaving Clara in solitude.

Clara

     Deep breaths, pulse decreasing-- Clara crouched behind a bush, it's leaves camouflaging her in the black night. She peeks through the cracks of leaf and branch, squinting so as to make her vision somewhat more clear in the dankness of the forest. Crack. She quickly turns around and searches for the source of the subtle
sound. Crack! She begins to hear more clearly, and discovers the source from which the sound is emanating-- from behind a tree. Pulse quickening, short breaths-- she crouches further behind her bush in a fetal position. Awaiting the owner of the sound, she notices the dark figure appearing from behind the tree. At that moment, she felt as though her next plan of action was void, for she became unable to move from her position. She stared as the tall, cloaked figure approached her with one spidery finger pointing at her. Nearly a yard away from her, the figure outstretched it's hand as to take hold of her. In that moment she found clarity. Clara let out a cry so devastatingly shrill as the cloak creature exposed it's face. The grotesque thing cackled just as it--
     "Beep! Beep! Beep!" the alarm sounded continuously.
     Clara jumps up quickly and silences the alarm. Hyperventilating, she grabs her inhaler off the nightstand next to her bed. Within two deep spritz she regains her breath. She glances at the clock. 6:00 in the morning. The dawn is slowly leaving as the seconds pass by. Her room silent. The only clear sound is the sound of her heart, slowing its fast pace. Her blank expression matches her walls, and the pastel colors of her bed sheets faded to a light gray. Still groggy, she walks around the miscellaneous contents on her floor, nearly tripping on a pair of chucks. Walking to her bathroom she evaluates her features in the mirror; fair brown skin, matted mid-length, dark curly hair and, what was that?! A zit, smack dab on her chin. She shook her head at the blemish reflected in the glass canvas. Sometimes she wished that a painter would take that canvas and create a masterpiece. She hoped that the painter would take one look and notice her pimple and erase it forever, because a masterpiece should be blemish free. She moved on from her imperfection and focused on her eyes. Bags underneath, sleep inhabited, black eyes. She longed for the painter at this point, to erase every impurity in her life, to paint over the features that make her, as she saw, unattractive. The dark hair, dark eyes, and loaf of a being she made herself to be. She takes another long discerning look in the mirror and in place of her real self is the cackling creature. Her hair is black as night, her dark eyes black and frightening, the one zit multiplied into seemingly a thousand more, and her baggy eyes intensified so she looks as though she's lived 10 lifetimes. She moves her hand to her face only to see the spidery fingers feeling her grotesqueness. Oh how she prayed for that painter to come! She blinked once to find that the canvas returned to her once again. As much as she hoped and hungered for, the painter wouldn't come. Clara survives in consciousness, but is plagued in subconsciousness. A balance of the two could not be a reality, for her reality is both the day mares and the nightmares.